Atheists

Here's a poem I've just written

Atheists

by Andrew P Smith, age 43 1/2

Atheists

They often piss on the floor

10% of atheists live under cover in extreme Protestant sects, doing good work for the cause

They won’t sacrifice to the Gods

Atlas-like, they heroically bear the weight of their existential honesty

Every last one of them is the son of a minister

They prefer deists to theists, “but one meets so few of them these days”

They apply remorseless rational logic to every area of their lives

They do not read novels

They don’t believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth,
of all that is, seen and unseen

Their personal hygiene leaves much to be desired, unless they are American atheists

They secretly admire the last Pope

There are no female atheists

There are no working class atheists

Once I was late for a flight and I said, “Oh God, I’m going to miss my flight.” An atheist overheard me and started arguing with me about the existence of God, and sure enough I missed my flight

When they fall in love they blame it on their brain chemistry

They don’t even believe in the devil

Most of them are white boys

They don’t like security blankets because of the metaphorical association with theism

They do not blink

Not all of them are Marxists

They are always in danger of physical violence inflicted by theists


Their mothers didn’t hug them when they were young

The criminal classes who have never had a serious thought about anything in their life aren’t really atheists

They like the Dalai Lama except for his spectacles

Their heads are kind of big, don’t you think?

They think all religion should be banned except for the Church of England

Stalin wasn’t really an atheist

You can hear them guffawing heartily in public places when they remember that there’s no God

They don’t have a fucking clue about theology